°Û °Û ÞÜ ±Û °Û °Û ÜÛÛ ÛÜ ±Û ²Û°ÛÛÛÛß°Û ÜÜÜ ±Û ÜÜ ÜÛÛÛÜ°ÛßßßÛ°Û °Û ÛÛ ° ÛÛ±Û ±Û ÛÛ ±ÛÛßßßÛܱÛÛßß°ÛÜÜÜß °Û°ÛÛÛ ÛÛ ° ÛÛ±Û ±Û ÛÛ ±Û °Û±Û °ÛÜ °ÜÛßßÛ°Û °Û ßÛ ÛÛß °ÛÛÛ ßÛÛÜ°ÛßÛÛÛÛß±Û °ÛÛÛß°ÛÜÜÛ²°Û °Û Outbreak Magazine Issue #11 - Article 5 of 18 '~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~' ********************************************* * Bastard Admin From Hell * * (Offspring of Bastard Operator From Hell) * * * * Written by GPC * * On 12:40 17/09/02 * * heelflip_the_biscuit_tin@hotmail.com * * * ********************************************* The following was written under the influence of the BOFH (Bastard Operator From Hell) series of text files, written Circa.1980, about (yes you guessed it) ..... a Bastard Operator From Hell. In this installment it seems the BOFH got laid and has produced an offspring .... The Bastard Admin From Hell, read on ........ Bastard Admin From Hell here, its monday, shit WILL happen. I get in early so I can replace NT with Windows 3.1 on all the machines. Should cause some interesting compatibility issues. Then I set up the proxy account to run all internet traffic through the teachers demo computer instead of our very expensive dedicated internet server, and go to sleep in the office. The phone rings, its the new IT teacher. "Yes?" I answer irratably. "Er, my internet connection is running really slowly, do you know why?" I don't bother with the excuse cards. "Aren't you the teacher?" "Well yes but..." "Then shouldn't you know?" "Look, who do you think..." "Shut up. Just exit Internet Explorer (suckers), wait 10 seconds and then it should be fine" I quickly open his account, change his homepage to www.harcoresailors.com and go back to sleep. 5 seconds later I hear a whole class of students jeering very loudly. What a bastard I am, and its not even 10 yet. I get about 2 hours of shut eye before the phone rings again. Its a user, he wants to know why the IT room door is locked. I didn't know it was but I tell him thats its to protect the hub from transgressional static magnification. He seems to accept it and I hang up. I open the IT room at lunchtime because I had slept enough and reading other people's email was getting boring. I echo a user's machine. Playing an online RPG, the thing I hate most. The biggest waste of bandwidth since AOL. I take control of his computer, type www.lolitasex.com into his address bar and freeze the machine once the front page has loaded. I call the manager and tell him to check machine 12, the machine I took over. From my desk I hear a lot of shouting in the next room, the guy was expelled the next day. Life's tough isn't it. I take the phone off the hook. After using almost the entirity of the school's bandwidth to host a 128 player Unreal Tournament game for a few hours I get bored and nuke all the players with an open port. Well, like I always say, you should never trust a sysop running a 128 player game of UT. I decide to play the 'Chinese "And Then" Mind Game' and put the phone back on the hook. It takes less than 30 seconds for it to ring. Its a user. "Er, I have a problem, my terminal has totally frozen up and I have really important work that I hasn't saved" "And then?" is my only response. The user seems slightly thrown. "Er, well I tried to open the task manager" "And then?" I reply again. "Well, er, nothing" "And then?" "Um, and then I called you" "And then?" "Uh, nothing" "And then?" "Is this a joke?" "And then?" "And then nothing!" "And then?" He hangs up, I check my watch, 20 seconds. Not bad, must try harder next time. I trace the call, find out his username and e-mail him a list of IT rules with one addition. 'Rudeness to any member of the IT staff will result in immediate exclusion from the network.' I echo his terminal and let him read the e-mail before deleting his account. Lunchtime. I stroll back into my office just in time for the last computing class of the day. I check the lesson roster and find out, much to my amusement, that Mr.Hardcore-Sailor is teaching a load of first years on "how to use the system", God I love the beginning of the year, so many innocent victims. I hide my computer off the network and open up CMD.EXE. I crack my knuckles, time to have some fun! I ponder on the best plan of attack, a stroke of genius hits me as I pull down the password list for that class. It seems one of them has set his password as "l33thaxx0r", hmm, I think we have a target. I feed him a dummy FBI login page and echo his terminal, lets see what he does. After a pause of a few seconds i get a "HELP LOGON" message tentatively crawl across my screen. I use NET SEND to send him a little message: "UNAUTHORISED ACCESS DETECTED, TRACE COMMENCING". The kid closes the message very fast and the dummy screen even faster, no doubt hes panicking. I watch as he pulls up explorer and heads straight for the SYSTEM32 folder, no doubt he's going for CMD.EXE to delete himself off the network. I at least let him open the program before I kill the connection between his keyboard and his terminal.I send him another message: "CONNECTION IDENTIFIED ..... LOCATION: LONDON, ENGLAND". I know all the kid can do is sit and watch as I continue (what a shit I am). "USER: BETTSM PWORD: L33THAXX0R ADDRESS: 51 UNION ROAD, CLAPHAM, LONDON" That does it. I hear a door open in the classroom and the sound of an twelve year old boy crying and shitting his pants as he runs from the IT centre. I delete his account, I doubt he'll ever be back. Well that concludes this episode of BAFH but if you liked it let me know and I might write another few. I can't take any of the credit for such a great concept as this and all credit goes to Simon Travaglia, who wrote the original series, Bastard Operator From Hell, which you can get from www.textfiles.com under the Humour / BOFH section. Shout outs: Kleptic, Timeless, snadman, all at #outbreakzine and on DALNET, the 'Kru' (RIP), DADFAD, HMB, Spin and Shag. Tune in next time, Same GPC time, Same GPC channel, Same GPC humour, Different GPC text file. Peace.