냐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ 栢栢栢栢昉께께굇굇굅같�|O|u|t|b|r|e|a|k|臍같굇굇굉께께栢栢栢� +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Issue #1 - Page 9 of 13 냐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Best Thing About College ---------------------------- by: skwert I just finished my first semester of classes. Following my last class of the day, I took a shower. While in the shower, I began thinking about how much I enjoy college. There's a lot of great aspects of college life. It forced me to become an independent entity, like a lone bald eagle, soaring majestically above the other creatures of the wilderness. I can rely only on my own powerful wings to keep me from plummeting to my death. I can rely only on my own razor sharp talons to snatch up little rodents and fish and smallish dogs for me to eat. Oh yeah, sometimes I eat small birds too. I live in a nest high up in a tree. My genus and species is Haliaeetus leucocephalus, meaning "sea eagle with white head." Until 1994, I was on the endangered species list because of stupid humans using pesticides and destroying my habitat, but now I've been downgraded to the threatened list because of environmentalists, bless their souls. But to those of you who would dare destroy my home, know this: I keep my own "threatened" list, and your name's at the top, mutha! College teaches you to how to meet new people. I came not knowing anyone except a girl from my school named Kim, but I haven't seen her once since I got here, so I pretty much started from scratch. I live in a broom closet with two guys named Chris and Paul, and we became friends amazingly easily. For a while I thought there was a fourth roommate too, but it turned out to be one of the brooms someone had turned upside down. I spent two days trying to get it to tell me it's name. Hey, it's freakin' dark in the broom closet, and Paul was really quiet at first too! College has given me lots of time to do all those things I said I would do once I was in college, like update my web page once a week, learn every Weezer song on guitar, beat all those old video games I had saved up, and read all those books I never had time to read. Of course, I have since realized that just because I'm in college and have plenty of time to do all those things, doesn't mean I'm actually motivated enough to get up off my duff and actually do them. But the time is there, unless my mom is reading this, in which case I'm REALLY busy. Definitely way too busy to get a job. College = No more 56k modem. Nuff said. College makes you smarter. For instance, now that I'm in college, I know how to... um... er... Well, now I can... nah, that's not a good one... there's always good ol'... yeah... Ooh, I've got it. Now that I'm in college, I know how to do laundry! And it only costs $10,000 a year! What a bargain! College makes you more articulate, and that's really... good. College food is wonderful for my girlish figure. I don't know how some people manage to gain 15 pounds their freshman year. Never before has it been so easy NOT to take seconds. Sometimes I don't even take firsts! In college, you get to build a loft in your room. Watching our dads excitedly working on what would end up being our loft, I realized something. Little boys never outgrow the desire to build forts. That's all a loft is. It's a fort that you're actually SUPPOSED to sleep in, just like you always wanted to when you were little but your mom would never let you because "you'll catch your death, dear," or "a bear will eat you, honey," or "you little $h!T, get your @!$*in' ass inside before I @!$&in' tear a new hole in it! I don't know why I had you!" Yeah. Gotta love moms. In my college, you have to punch in the top secret passcode to get into the bathroom. You get to feel like a freakin' Area 51 scientist every time you have to take a crap! This has drastically changed my frame of mind about using the restroom. I don't ever feel like I have to poop anymore. Instead, I feel like I have to go check up on the transdimensional hyperspace warp drive we confiscated from Roswell, but when I get inside I realize I just have to poop. College girls go wild! Haven't you seen the commercial for the video!? Yeah, everyone has sex all the time at college! Well, that's what I've heard anyway. I met a girl here at MTU... once. But let me tell you, she was pretty wild! Well, in an "I love math and science and not being wild" sort of way. College gives me a chance to miss my sweet girlfriend, Emily. I can hear you going "Awwwwww..." Shaddap. College gives you a chance to shower mere inches away from other wet, naked men! If you want, you can turn and stare them straight in the eye over the "privacy barrier," and say, "You're naked. You're wet and naked, and I'm wet and naked, and our wet, naked bodies are only one-and-a-half wet, naked feet apart. How does that make you feel!?" Apparently, it makes them feel like punching me in the face over the "privacy barrier," because that's what always happens. Geez, just trying to make conversation... Now that we've come full circle back to the shower, I'll wrap it up with the number one best thing about college. Are you ready? The number one most absolutely awesome, amazingly cool, I can't believe you're still reading this, astoundingly great thing about college is... you don't have to worry about getting little hairs stuck in the bar of soap because dammit, you're THE ONLY ONE USING IT! YES!!! LIFE IS GOOD! I'm dumb.