냐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ 栢栢栢栢昉께께굇굇굅같�|O|u|t|b|r|e|a|k|臍같굇굇굉께께栢栢栢� +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Issue #1 - Page 6 of 13 냐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Great Cedar Point Wave Pool Disaster of 2001 ------------------------------------------------ by: kleptic ------------------------------------------------ Back in June of good ol 2001, a group of friends and I took a little vacation to Ohio, to visit the legendary amusement park, Cedar Point. The first night we were there was great. We rode all the old favorite rides all evening, then committed ourselves to the hour-and-a-half long line leading to the Millenium Force. I must say, it was worth the wait. That thing is freakin' fast. We're talking stomach-in-your-throat, bugs-in-your-teeth, cheeks-flappin', throwing-the-horned-hand-of-Satan-in-tribute-to-utter-badassness, hold-onto your-asses-and-hats-and-glasses, pee-in-your-bed fast. Okay, okay, so it's not THAT scary; I just wanted to write "pee-in-your-bed." Pee in your bed. Pee in your bed. Pee in your bed. It IS fun though. Er, the coaster, that is. Not peeing in your bed. Peeing in your bed is probably not quite as fun as it sounds. Sure, it may seem mighty convenient not to have to get up to urinate in the night, but I think most people would rather get up and walk to the bathroom than sleep in their own pee. I don't remember the last time I peed in my bed. I do, however, remember the last time I pooped my pants, but I'll save that story for another day. Anyway, the next day we donned our bathing suits and went to Soak City, Cedar Point's water park division. My day there sucked from the start. I had these new board shorts that I had never actually worn before. They sure looked cool, but they had one little problem. They were just a little too big in the waist, and did not have a drawstring. Why would any company make men's swimwear without a drawstring? It had belt loops. Great. The effect of the manufacturer's poor design decision was this: At any given moment I had to choose between showing just a smidge of my bum to whoever was behind me, or just a centimeter too much of the business to whoever was in front of me. I know, it's my own fault I didn't have the foresight to either wear a belt or not buy the drawstringless board shorts in the first place, but this is my web site, gosh darn it, so it was the company's fault. It didn't help much when they got all wet and heavy, either. After a while I gave up, figuring the only people I knew there were close enough friends that I could deal with their seeing me in my slightly-too-revealed-for-comfort state, and anyone else could either get a good laugh or at least have something to talk about. That out of the way, I decided to go join my friends in the wave pool. We had already been in once, but this time there were a lot more people in it. It started up, and I was immediately bombarded with tubby little kids riding inner tubes. It was some kind of massive army of tubby little kids on inner tubes, trying to take over the whole pool. I composed myself after their brutal surprise attack had subsided, and I quickly nominated myself to be the mystical defender of the wave pool! I lunged into action, hurling tubby little kids on inner tubes further back in the pool, where they could cause no more damage. Left, right, straight back over my head, there were tubby little kids flying everywhere, clinging for dear life to their giant pink inner tubes. Just as the tables began to turn in my favor, a whole new regime of tubby little kids riding inner tubes was dropped in my airlift! I didn't actually see the airlift, but that's the only logical (?) explanation, seeing as all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by the horde of them and got bludgeoned in the back of the head with so many pink tubes and tubby little kid feet and fists I suspect I may have been knocked unconscious. Next thing I knew, I was standing in the shallow part of the pool. I don't remember this next bit too well, probably because I was still in a daze from the beating I had taken, but the next thing I remember is my head hanging down, probably in shame from my humiliating defeat by the army of tubby little kids on inner tubes, and my eyes fell upon a dick. I glanced back toward the battlefied for a moment, then, realizing I had seen something strange, I looked down again. "Hey, that's not just any dick..." I thought. "That's MY dick!" And some dick it was. The chilly pool had it looking all wet, shriveled, pale, and disgusting. It look suspiciously like I had always pictured Gollum from The Hobbit. That's probably not normal, thinking of a fantasy creature as a kind of wet, shriveled penis with arms and legs, but I think that's probably what J.R.R. Tolkien had in mind when he wrote the book. The man WAS a literary genius, after all. Regardless, I certainly would have killed and eaten Bilbo Baggins if it meant I could have had an invisibility ring to slip on my finger at that moment. I dropped to my knees, obscuring my tiny, pathetic package beneath that glorious light-bending shield, the surface of the wave pool. I slowly lifted my eyes to see who could have spotted my poor little buddy. A lifeguard stood on the shore, laughing hard. There's one. Crap. A bikini-clad brunette, not laughing. Probably didn't see. Then, with horror, my eyes were drawn to an extremely disheartening sight. Dead ahead, my girlfriend's mother, facing my direction. I'll say it again, in case it didn't set in. My GIRLFRIEND'S MOTHER, facing my direction. I collapsed face-first into the pool and drowned. The end.